Anthony Bourdain’s suicide hit me pretty hard last week.
This was partly because he was the celebrity we all wanted to be. Who wouldn’t want to travel the world eating great food for their own TV show? He seemed to have life figured out, having overcome drug addiction, and dedicating himself to connecting people and cultures through food and storytelling. Bourdain was so good at what he did, and so universally liked and respected, that I don’t know anyone who could say a bad thing about the guy.
But this news affected me for more personal reasons as well. The timing came just as I was beginning to feel the stress of my own work catching up to me, the thousands of little annoyances of running a restaurant slowly combining to create near-constant anxiety. I began to notice a pattern of getting frustrated quicker, having less patience when things went wrong, and a tightness in my chest that was more difficult to reduce. The result was that I wasn’t giving the best version of myself to my work and my staff, and was starting to behave in ways I wasn’t proud of.
I knew something needed to change last Tuesday, when almost every stressful duty a small business owner has to deal with happened in rapid succession. I started my day trying to navigate city government bureaucracy, spent the afternoon on customer support dealing with technical issues, and had to figure out how to handle the latest staff drama with my employees. Oh, and that night we were scheduled to launch a new happy hour special we were rolling out for the very first time. When 5pm rolled around, one of our long-time kitchen employees started complaining about petty back-of-house drama, as he sometimes does. I found myself raising my voice in response, even though we were in the middle of the kitchen. Other employees were watching us, and I quickly realized this wasn’t the right thing to do. We moved the conversation to my office, but the damage was done. I should have heard him out and dealt with my frustrations a different way, rather than have it rub off on the rest of my staff. A leader shouldn’t behave that way, and I was disappointed in myself.
It was clear something needed to change, and it had to be with me. I was letting the little things get to me, and needed to put systems in place to better manage my stress. Or else it would only get worse moving forward.
And then Friday came, and I heard the news about Anthony Bourdain.
If someone so successful and well-respected could find life not worth living, who are we to say it can’t happen to us?
More than just sadness, this tragedy has caused me to reflect on the fundamental truth that happiness and fulfillment has nothing to do with success or achievement. It’s so easy to think we’ll be happy when we finally get that thing. Joy and fulfillment will come when we follow our passion. But these ideas are so false, and it’s something I’ve been feeling well before Bourdain’s death. It doesn’t matter what we’re working on, or working towards. A well-lived life comes from within. If we can’t find internal joy in what we’re doing, we’ll never feel good enough. We’ll always be chasing.
People say they admire me all the time for following my passion, pursuing my dream, doing something meaningful. And it’s true, I am doing those things. I’m driven by a great sense of purpose, and feel fortunate to pursue a cause I care about, as opposed to working towards someone else’s vision.
But the truth is, it’s difficult to keep this in mind moment to moment, especially when there’s so much work to be done. I know it’s possible, and I need to do a better job cultivating inner contentment, not letting external events control the way I feel and react. I’d like to improve my focus on individual tasks as I perform them in the moment, to better shield myself from the stressors that arise when I’m distracted. And when there’s something difficult or annoying that needs to be dealt with, taking a moment to acknowledge that I’m lucky I get to work on these problems too. It means I’m doing something difficult, which usually means the process is worthwhile.
One of my favorite quotes is a line from Stephen Colbert: “The process of process is process.” It’s his way of saying the joy and meaning in any work comes from embracing the process, not the end result. That success is not about achieving something at the end, but enjoying the work as you do it.
I can’t help but wonder if Anthony Bourdain was chasing something more, something he felt his life was still missing. A man who had so much, but felt he had too little.
Can’t we all relate?
It shouldn’t be this way, but maybe it takes a shocking tragedy to hammer home a lesson we should all understand by now.
Happiness and fulfillment has nothing to do with success or achievement.
I want to do better. I’m going to do better.