We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.
– Seneca
To be fearless is an illusion.
We can fool others into thinking we’re immune to fear by the way we carry ourselves, but we all know what it feels like. We feel threatened by some sort of danger, whether physical, psychological, or perceptive. We sweat, hesitate, and stutter. Sometimes we go to great lengths to avoid whatever haunts us, just so we don’t feel the discomfort.
Even those who seem fearless know the same feelings, go through similar struggles. They may appear not to be bothered by threats or worries, but they are. Their acting skills are just a bit better than most.
Feeling fear is natural. It’s nothing to hide from, or be ashamed of. In fact, pretending to be fearless may cause more stress and harm than acknowledging our fears head on. At least then we know what we’re facing, and can deal with it appropriately.
Which brings me to this confession: I burned a fear last weekend.
It was part of a ritual my friend has been performing every week this year. Each Friday night she writes down something she’s scared of on a piece of paper, then lights it on fire. This causes her to introspect, acknowledge her fears, then believe the fear no longer exists.
It’s a therapeutic exercise, an act she can refer to when the discomfort of that fear crops up again. Because the fear is not completely gone, of course. The ritual is just a way to symbolically reinforce the act of letting go of something that’s holding her back.
I like this ritual. There’s something real and humble about it. It forces us to be honest, to confront our darkest thoughts.
Most of us take the opposite approach. We try desperately to avoid whatever triggers the unpleasant feeling of fear, believing that will minimize our discomfort. This can be effective in the short-term, but it doesn’t address the root cause of our discomfort.
Rather than pretending we’re above everything we feel, acknowledging a fear head on might actually alleviate its presence from our conscience. Think about how you feel after having a difficult conversation with a friend you’ve been beefing with. Getting things out in the open always somehow clears the air, and lifts a weight off both parties.
Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay.
– Thich Nhat Hanh
Handling fear in this way—acknowledging, not deflecting—can make us appear fearless. It’s also what allows us to get out of our heads, and avoid letting our imagination cause suffering that never really exists (to paraphrase Seneca).
So, what was my fear? What was I most afraid of at that moment?
Something most of us can probably relate to:
That I won’t reach my full potential in terms of the impact I can have on the world
And then I lit that baby on fire, and let it wilt away.
Fear recognized, acknowledged, and dealt with.
I haven’t looked back since.