The art of being true to yourself

I was talking with a friend recently about his efforts to build positive habits into his daily life. He wants his activities to more closely align with what makes him feel true and whole as a person, something he has apparently strayed from in recent years. He’s on a quest to rekindle his identity, and is focusing on daily tasks and activities to get the flame burning again.

To paraphrase his point of view, he’s trying to stack together positive actions that are congruent with who he is as a person. The more consistent he can be with these actions, the more his identity is reinforced, and the more whole he feels.

It’s an interesting approach to rediscovering yourself. Most of us think we have to zoom out to get a better view of who we really are—we travel, visit family, go off into nature. We get away from it all, hoping we can return with greater clarity for who we are and what really matters.

But maybe zooming in on concrete actions is the best way to get in touch with our identity. Perhaps reinforcing the right behaviors at a micro level can make us feel good about ourselves in a way traditional “soul searching” simply can’t.

Or better yet, what if the whole construct of “identity” is misguided? What if the way we think about ourselves in relation to others has nothing to do with our happiness, but instead the daily actions we take contribute more to how alive we feel?

I know that’s a contrarian point of view, but hear me out. If we continually do more of the things that make us feel alive, energized, engaged, and whole, won’t we feel fulfilled at the end of each day? At the same time, if we remove the behaviors that drain us, cause stress, or create anxiety, wouldn’t that relieve the psychic burden we all feel to varying degrees?

Whether or not I’m correct in asserting “identity” is overrated, it’s hard to argue that our daily activities play a large role in how we feel about ourselves.

The best part about this insight is that we all have complete control over how we choose to behave. We can feel when we’re acting out of line with our identity/personality/life force/whatever, and we know what actions make us feel secure with who we are. We know when we’re being true to ourselves, and when we feel like a fraud. There seems to be a biological honesty that tells our subconscious how to feel about our actions, and this feeling resonates to our very core.

It’s hard to ignore, which makes these feelings oh so actionable.

As I reflect on the conversation with my friend, I can’t help but look inward. How well does my daily behavior align with the type of person I want to be? In thinking through this, I’ve asked myself a few questions:

What are the things that make me feel whole? Do I do them enough?

What actions make me feel like a fraud? How often do I behave this way?

I ended up compiling two lists: One filled with behaviors that are authentic to who I am, and the other with actions that make me feel like a fraud. I found the following criteria helpful when thinking about specific actions and debating what to include on each list:

1) How do I feel after the action? (satisfied, guilty, etc.)

2) Is the action congruent with the type of person I think I am?

3) Is the cost of not taking the action greater than the cost of taking it? (If so, do more of this!)

Here’s what I came up with.

Actions that are authentic to myself

• Working out. Do something active, every day, ideally early in the morning.
• Eating real food. Aim for 80-90% of meals in a given week to contain just meat, veggies, and healthy fats. All ingredients should be easily recognizable.
• Writing. Turn a blank page into a something vaguely coherent. Finishing a piece of writing helps me express myself to the world, even if I don’t always hit publish.
• Reading. Escape into another world, learn something, or just do it for entertainment. Much like the act of writing, reading imparts a meditative calmness. I’m always glad I took the time to read whenever I’m done.
• Learning. Continuously improve, learn new things all the time. It’s easy to become complacent, so pushing myself out of my comfort zone is something I need to make an effort to accomplish frequently.
• Staying present. Recognize and enjoy what’s happening right now. Taking 5 minutes to sit and meditate helps keep me in check, but it’s an hourly struggle to maintain true presence.
• Being humble and grounded. Yo, you’re really not better than anyone else. It’s just that everyone is different. I have to constantly remind myself of this all the time. This is a tough one to keep in mind, but whenever I demonstrate a humble mindset it makes me feel more congruent with the type of person I believe myself to be.
• Being a good person. Do things for other people, be reliable, over-deliver. Remember that no one wants to be around an asshole.

Since I know what behaviors I want to reinforce, it’s only right that I understand which actions to avoid.