What are you thankful for?
We hear this question asked a lot this time of year, and it’s genuine enough. With Thanksgiving taking up much of our collective mind space, we naturally take the opportunity to reflect on what makes our lives worth living. Similar to the way New Years Eve has become a singular moment we use to reflect on past achievements and future desires, Thanksgiving is our yearly placeholder for tapping into appreciation and gratitude.
And this is a good thing. Creating space to acknowledge what we’re grateful for in our lives enables us to reflect on the people, places, and actions that matter most. It allows us to step back from the daily grind, and comprehend the bigger picture in a positive way. Despite any struggles and negativity we face day to day, gratitude helps us realize we all have reasons to love our lives.
Despite these benefits, I can’t help but wonder what we’re missing out on by only practicing gratitude once a year. Can we really be in tune with what we’re grateful for if we only give it passing thought at the dinner table before we dive into mashed potatoes and gravy? Is our Thanksgiving Day gratefulness merely a watered down version of the gratitude we could be feeling if we showed thanks and appreciation on a more regular basis?
More to the point—do we actually know what it means to be grateful?
We’ve been trained to view gratitude more as a singular action than a state of being. Rather than cultivating gratitude into the way we operate, we’re taught to “show gratitude”—that is, to express gratitude as something external from ourselves.
It’s not far fetched to see how we could be shortchanging ourselves by only expressing gratitude at the highest level. When asked what we’re grateful for, we often think of the big picture themes in our lives—health, family, freedom, etc. And it’s not wrong to think that way at all. But could gratitude have a more lasting and tangible impact on the way we live if we were more specific with our thanks on a regular basis?
There’s some support for the idea. In a recent NYT op ed Arthur Brooks writes, “Truly happy people find ways to give thanks for the little, insignificant trifles.” Brooks goes on to say that we can all find “small, useless” things to be thankful for in our daily lives, and that doing so will allow us to express gratitude more frequently, even when we don’t feel like doing so emotionally.
And why is expressing gratitude more frequently a good thing? Brooks cites several studies that indicate the more we give thanks, the happier we are. It turns out that even going through the motions of giving thanks when we don’t emotionally feel like it can contribute to our overall wellbeing (source).
So there’s science to support the idea that gratitude matters, and can even make us happier. But blanket statements such as, “be grateful, it’ll make you happy” are a bit misleading. While there’s research to indicate that cultivating a gratitude practice over time can lead to “greater life satisfaction,” that’s not the same as in the moment “happiness.” Similar to writing, meditating, and exercising, the benefits of gratitude seem to build up through consistency, even if being grateful is uncomfortable or inconvenient at times.
This distinction is explored eloquently in a blog post about gratitude and grief by my good friend Tim Lawrence. Specifically, he denounces the notion that gratitude is a tool to make us feel good (i.e. happy in the moment), but instead positions it as a way to cultivate a more resilient self:
Being grateful might lead to you feeling good, but that’s a byproduct of doing the work involved in creating the conditions by which you might find a peaceful heart. Cultivating a grateful worldview probes the depths of your being. It widens perspective, increases your capacity to listen, encourages self-reflection, and leads to a more honest, gentle disposition. All of these things may very well result in your feeling better, but how you feel isn’t the goal.
I love this.
Cultivating a grateful worldview.
This framing has a lot more depth to it than what we’re used to. It lends a deeper meaning to expressing gratitude, one that involves consistent and active effort, while affecting the way we live beyond a transient state of happiness.
If we believe Mr. Lawrence, putting in the daily work required to cultivate gratitude will lead to a kinder, wiser, gentler disposition. It encourages empathy, self-reflection, and honesty. And while that may not translate to the tangible “happiness” we feel when we show gratitude at Thanksgiving, it’s arguably more beneficial for ourselves and others in the long run.
So if gratitude is worth cultivating, ideally as a long-term sustainable practice, how can we do it? How do we make sure we get beyond the surface level gratitude that’s easy (and necessary) to express on an infrequent basis, and improve our life satisfaction by showing deep gratitude year round?
Here are a few tips that may help, gathered from my own experience and reading on the topic:
1) Make it a habit. Pick a time of day you set aside to express thanks. Find your own daily version of Thanksgiving, and make it a part of your routine.
2) Be specific. Zoom in on the small, tangible things you appreciate in your life. Be thankful for the routine, mundane, and largely unnoticed.
3) Communicate your thanks. Whether you write it down for yourself, or tell someone in person, it’s helpful to put your gratitude out into the world. A good place to start could be saying thank you to the people who make your life easier every day, and telling them why you feel that way (e.g. Your Lyft driver, office security guard, corner store clerk).
4) Get out of your head. Exercise, meditate, take a walk outside. Anything that alters your physical and mental perspective is a good catalyst for gratitude when the activity is over.
Feel grateful this Thanksgiving. Tell those you care about what you appreciate in your life, and express gratitude the best way you can. Take the spirit of the holiday to heart.
Then try to carry it forward from there, one gratitude-filled day at a time.